1.7.07

MEAT PIE- get thee behind me!

..... Ah! Egba mi ke!! who shall deliver me from the love of meat pie?? its a cause for concern o!! sha, siddon my darling regular visitors and let me tell u how it all started.

story? Story? *all chorus* STORYYYYYYYY... once upon a time.... *all chorus: TIME, TIME!!*

Before, before, before.. Long, long time ago, a lovely damsel named bimbylads lived in Nigeria, Lagos state to be precise. And in that Lagos state, resided a restaurant called MR BIGGS. You see, MR Biggs had every type of pastry you ever wished for in your life. Mr Biggs was a wonderful friend to bimbylads, with his lovely yellow and red interior and rude attendants at the till, Mr Biggs was indeed classified as a must visit for Bimbylads almost every day. And why you may ask? Well, its because MR Biggs had a tenant that resided there. That tenant was called MEAT PIE, living with MEAT PIE in the same room was CHICKEN PIE. together, both tenants quickly became Bimbylads favorites. And bimbylads would never turn down an offer to visist Mr Bigs meat/chicken pie, even if it meant a razz toaster took her there... (disclaimer *this does not in anyway reduce bimbylads' tooshness*.

And so it continued for a very looong time.. This love between Bimbylads and Mr Biggs' tenants, humble Mr Meat Pie and feisty Miss Chicken Pie.....so deep was this love that when Bimbylads left Nigeria to voyage abroad for educational purposes, she wept so much at the airport due to the uncertainty that lay ahead in a ‘meatpie- less’ land... (P.S: the travel to UK to study was much to Bimbylads' unwillingness, but Mama Bimbylads realized that her daughter gallivanting UNILAG from one end to another instead of attending her FRENCH COURSE was a big waste of time; and decided to trick her daughter into coming to England- my next post will be on this)......

And so, London she arrived! What a meat pie hating country. HOW COLD AND BRUTAL A PLACE FOR NOT ENSURING THAT EVERY STORE HAD TENANTS LIKE MR BIGGS DID! beloved, for a good 3 years, Bimbylads did not taste meat pie!! it was a painful process. oh! and Bimbylads searched far and wide, east and west in search for meat pie. she asked every one she knew, every one she met, yet no one, no ONE had seen or heard of Meat pie!!
One day, bimbylads went to a departmental store called TESCO and lo and behold, was a glorious looking semi-circle very unnecessarily yellow pastry called 'JAMAICAN PATTIE'.. with beads of sweat forming on her forehead, lips quavering and saliva gathering in her throat, bimbylads dropped all other shopping and sped to the counter to pay for the yellow and wierd look-alike of meat pie.

One bite into the pastry and all bimbylads' hopes of finding naija meat pie were dashed. the Jamaican Pattie was a curry fest. It surely must have been made by Mr Patel of Judiya enterprises...E juz be like say i dey India. warrahell!! so... But! bimbylads would rather eat an imitation of naija meat pie than to live life meatpie less.. and so,bimbylads ate the whole Jamaican Pattie, bit by bit, crust by crust... as she took one bite, she mentally converted the morsell of jamaican pattie to nigerian meatpie.. and so bimbylads did for a whole year.

On Sunday afternoon after church, Bimbylads decided to even see what the lady who sells food round the corner had in store..lo and behold,the lady had naija meat pie..

MEAT PIE!! the naija one.. WITH POTATO AND MINCED MEAT!!! OOO!! WHAT A WONDERFUL THING IT IS NOT TO GIVE UP UR SEARCH FOR SOMETHING PRECIOUS..

Before you could say Mr Biggs; quick quick, bimbylads ordered like 5 meat pies. and every Sunday after wards, Bimbyads would sit near the meat pie lady to ensure that she is the first on the meat pie queue, once the Pastor shares the grace,,,, bimbylads will be on that queue reciting her 'SURELY GOODNESS AND MERCY SHALL FOLLOW ME...'................. UNTIL TODAY........

***say after me... ‘Gluttony is a sin'... repeat loud and clear ' do not divide ur attention in church with meat pie'...***

TODAY O!! THIS TODAY TODAY, BIMBYLADS RAN AS USUAL to meat pie queue......

na so she bought her regular ' 3 large meat pies, one small one, and 3 olu olu plantain chips with Ribena'

as she collected her meat pie and ran joyfully towards the car to go home, she sunk her teeth into the meat pie, closed her eyes, and chewed carefully and slowly in order to savour the scrumptious crust, before sinking in the perfectly seasoned minced meat and onion gravy mixture in it..... with each bite, the stomach pain increased... as the pain increased, bimbylads got more stubborn. No way, no matter how painful this stomach pain is, this sunday sunday tonic must not be interrupted.

as she took each bite, her walk became slower, her stomach rumbled in rebellion against the meat pie invasion. her body broke out in goose pimples, not out of pleasure of meat pie, but out of unbelievable and indescribable pain.

Yet, bimbylads did not drop the meat pie. she stuck her straw in her Ribena and took a deep sip, hoping it would clear the passage way for the meat pie and thus reduce the pain. the moment the ribena hit her small intestine.. THAT WAS IT!! HER STOMACH WAS ON FIRE!!!

*Wiun! Wiun! Wiun!* ~: .INTERNAL SIRENS BLASTING FROM THE STOMACH AND INTESTINE DEPARTMENT OF BIMBYLADS STOMACH, SHE WAS LEFT WITH ONLY, ONLY, ONLY TWO OPTIONS:

1) Fart and destroy the after church service meetings- *potentially even disrupt church for one week with the kain smell wey that fart go produce*

OR
2) find a bathroom, and block the place out with some funny looking and ridiculously smelling ish... chick or no chick, designer bag or no designer bag, heck! bimbylads or no Bimbylads... this was an emergency

WITH NO TIME TO CONSIDER, SHE GRABBED HER REMAINING TWO AND A HALF MEAT PIES AND OLU OLU PLAINTAIN CHIPS AND RAAAAAAAAN TO A NEAR BY BATHROOM.

WITH SWEAT POURING DOWN HER CHEST AND BACK, SHE RAN INTO THE BATHROOM AND SHUT THE DOOR.. Relieved to see the bathroom was clean, she immediately began the action....

Chai! A good 20 minutes, strange bombing noises; 4 ladies waiting to use the bathroom in the queue and a smell that would inevitably raise the dead later; bimbylads was done.

NOW to the hard part. The bathroom was STENCHING, infact it was so bad that bimbylads had to hold her breath in (which by scientific calculations, should only be done for 5 minutes maximum)

There were no windows in the bathroom, she could hear the ladies conversing on the other side of the door
"hmm.. oga o, this place dey smell"
"chai! Isn’t there any air freshener?"
"How long does it take someone to use the bathroom?"

HOW??? HOWW NOOWW? HOW CAN? A whole tiny but cutish bimbylads that was known for her graceful smiles, chic dressing and posh conversations come out of that toilet clutching meat pies?

AND so, instead of coming out, bimbylads sat there! yes, in her own meatpie sh**t, bimbylads sat there holding her breath. After almost hearing her heart deliver irregular hear beats, she eventually had to breathe or risk dying.

A FEW HISSES later FROM THE queue to use for the bathroom, the ladies dispersed to find another bathroom, and a good 15 minutes later, bimbylads emerged from the bathroom.

She washed her hands very quickly and ran back into the car,. It was bad enough that she desperately needed to breathe In fresh air to disassociate her internal organs from the repugnant smell, she could not also risk being seen!! Lai lai!! So she ran! And fast did she run! Into the car! And once she sunk into the car seat, she breathed a final sigh of relief! She made it without being seen….. suddenly, sis. S passed by the car and stopped to peep through the window.. ..

‘ AH! Sis Bimbylads, e kuu Sunday! Eyin le wa ni toilet lati aro.. oga o! se kosi?’

( sis bimbylads, happy Sunday, so it was you that was in the toilet since morning, hope no problem?)

WHAT!!!! This sister S sef!! No fit see something and do like say she no see am?!!


In conclusion and bottom line, I am filing for divorce between myself and Mr Meatpie. If asked by the Meatpie court, My grounds for divorcing are ‘ irreparable damage Mr Meatpie has caused our relationship, plus invasion of my Sunday Church programs’.

Thank you.

THE END.



im out! God bless and have a beautiful month of July full of divine suprises in Jesus name.,, love u all!

76 comments:

Idemili said...

Bimby, you MUST give me your number. This is the first time I have laughed at a blog so hard that I had tears streaming down my face. Mad girl!

Chei! Blogville! LAWL!

O.šeyï said...

Yay! I'm first! I'm first! OMG... (running) I cant believe it... i'm firrrrsssttt! Yaaaay! Yaaay! (Gbbbooooowwww).

(A couple of keys lower) Yaaaaaay..ssss. my head!

Now that i've made a scene i'm going back to read. :D

O.šeyï said...

OMG!!!!!!!I SWEAR... I dont think i stopped laughing the whole time i read that. I have not laugh-cried so hard over any blog (except Mr. Fine MY GOSH... That ISH WAS HILARIOUS. LMAO (still laughing)...

FT WITH ONLY, ONLY, ONLY TWO OPTIONS:

1) Fart and destroy the after church service meetings- *potentially even disrupt church for one week with the kain smell wey that fart go produce*

OR
2) find a bathroom, and block the place out with some funny looking and ridiculously smelling ish... chick or no chick, designer bag or no designer bag, heck! bimbylads or no Bimbylads... this was an emergency

WITH NO TIME TO CONSIDER, SHE GRABBED HER REMAINING TWO AND A HALF MEAT PIES AND OLU OLU PLAINTAIN CHIPS AND RAAAAAAAAN TO A NEAR BY BATHROOM.


lolo... God was sending you a serious message. Finish Church before you think of food.

londonnaijachic said...

lol! i am with you oN MR BIGGS MEATPIE. a love affair that cannot be tampered with. This post had me in fits of laughter, so you sat in the ladies till the other babes left,lol. if it was me i would come out, smile, not even wash my hands and walk as fast as my short legs can carry me.

londonnaijachic said...

lol! i am with you oN MR BIGGS MEATPIE. a love affair that cannot be tampered with. This post had me in fits of laughter, so you sat in the ladies till the other babes left,lol. if it was me i would come out, smile, not even wash my hands and walk as fast as my short legs can carry me.

TaureanMinx said...

Bimby you will not kill me with laughter, you will not! I am going to say a prayer now.

BabsBETA said...

WoW! its only Bimbylads that can post somen like this. I had to hld my breath while reading that part too. LOL.

Yeah got a copy of true love already. Cool. I mean so cooool.

BiMbyLaDs** said...

loll.. u people..be lavvin and lawling, my stomach is still gruntin!! lol!!
@idemili, u can have my number my luv!!

@o.seyi: u were not first o my dear, ma worry i will still give u bourvita.

@ LNC: my dear, i feel u, but as from today, meat pie and me are OVER.

@ Tminx: lol!! pray for me o!! lol.. how r u doing babes?!!

Inuke Omotola Davis said...

Bimby gurl. you wanted to kill me with laughter.
My God deliver from meatpie. Lawl at Sis S who wanted to spoil show for you!

bhookey84 said...

Lmao u r toooooo funny LOL

LondonBuki said...

LOLLLLL!!!!

And it's true oh... that pattie nonsense is nothing like meatpie! BLads, why don't you learn how to make meatpie and sell 'BLads Blogger Pies'? Think about it....

I knew it, it's your sort - the cute ones - who destroy the toilets!

Have a nice week :-)

O.šeyï said...

imagine... upon all the dramatization (hiss). Next time. And... i prefer milo ;)

Mr.Fineboy said...

yeeepers! Bimby, I don die men....kai! that was a good laugh. LMAO...fine babe like you...I could even smell the ish through ur blog. Hilarious!

Dimples said...

Lawl lawl...Bimbylads this love for meat pie hasn't ended ni??

I can testify to this love of meatpie...those secondary skool days Bimby could be your FFF(Friend-for-food) for life...lol ..just because of meatpie...come to think of it how did u survive boarding house so long sef???

But that was some funny stuves sha...u know that's why i love u...as i havn't stopped laughing...forwarded it to my oyinbo co-workers(they want to know why i am lawl lawl so much!!!)

Anonymous said...

lol!! oh my goodness me! what can i say? firstly, bimbylads, well done for making it to True Love. it would have been a shame if such wonderful talent went to waste.. original nigerian humor without making effort. its great. all the other female bloggers too are very talented. well done bimbylads, my fav blogger of all time! :~)

fluffycutething said...

I'm so happy today because i don find person wey her "shit" dey smell pass my own (lol)!!!!

One day i had to poo in church, some lady actually came in and screamed "Jesus" (lol) Shame did not allow me come out for almost 10 mins after i had finished

But how can you people say you like Mr Biggs meat pie? Na manage me dey take eat am oh... Just can't stand their food in that joint.

As for that true love mag, i actually wasn't going to buy in protest of their sudden price increase, but as u/una dey inside i will GO AND GRAB MY COPY NOW!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Congrats on your recognition by True Love... i was screaming and pointing and explainin to everyone who cared to listen that we were "personal" friends!!!(even tho "personal friends" means i get to read ur blogs cross my fingaz for your updates and NEVER leave a comment...) nice.. nice post.. i wac actually scrunching up ma nose... lawl
-Tee, a fan

The Last King Of Scotland said...

fine girls ish too, lawl. i love mr biggs too, the scotch eggs are the shit men and the chicken, thats another story. very funny post. another exclusive. if you see the newest edition of true love magazine send it my way plsss

BiMbyLaDs** said...

lol!! thanks to everyone for ur comments, una no dey shit ni?? allow me o!! lol..

@ anonymous x 2: thats soo much! tee, thank u!! i wish i could see the True love magazine my self, but im in london and i have no access to it yet :(... but thank u and God bless u..

thanks again everyone.. u guys r d best!

BiMbyLaDs** said...

@ fluffy! lolll...!!wetin u talk? MR Biggs in 1995-1999 was da bomb!! pls is there any better meat pie?? or chiken pie?? ehn!! email me the meat pie o...tenk u, oya quickly buy True Love..

BlogVille Idols said...

mehn i love mr biggs meatpie..ehn!too mush

BlogVille Idols said...

na pink satin o

ExcitedJade said...

bimbylads...u sure say na u dye the mag? please if u get am, post it to me, makei take all of una shine..lawl

Ugo Daniels said...

Damn, and i thought you've ran outta hilarious ideas. Nice one.

Are yu still interested in that stuff. Holla!

Tony said...

Good morning.

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The preview version of The Nigerian Super Blog was launched on the 1st of July 2007 and the site is still very much in active development (thus you might experience a bug here and there). We'd be happy if you can find time to check it out (I promise you are going to love it because you will be able to read all your favorite blogs and more from one place!). Plus it will help much more people to find and enjoy your blog.

We'd also appreciate any kind of feedback, (blogs @ naijalive . net) and possibly a post about us. and if you really like the site, please tell people about it and add a link to us in your blog.

Other ways you may support this FREE project is by helping us with links or pointers to Nigerian blogs so that we can add them if they are not already there.

Thanks a lot and keep up the good work!

NikkiSab said...

My girl pls sit down let aunty tell u dis - my eye don cry tire as my belle too don nearly bust from lafter. Dis tin wei u do is a very bad tin for me as i de office. Na small tin remain sth for excape me wen i de try hold laff make my colleagues no see me n on top dat de still ax me why i de cry. U r too funny. sufri sufri give gist eh.. at least put parents advisory.

AN IBO DUDE'S CORNER said...

Hilarious...
Long but hilarious
but i dont think u would commend Mr Biggs Meatpie if u ate it now.just not it.

nice blog, would definitely visit often

princess said...

Haba! Dont let something like dat spoil that lovely relationship with Mr.meatpie na.
Hilarious post!
Loved ur feature in TRUE LOVE.

Naija Vixen said...

LMAO!!! This gurl you will not kill someborri oh!!! Tooshness kai...No place lyk home,no place like Mr Biggs!!! ;-)

SapphireAster said...

Buhahaha...too damn funny! haha..you have been automatically removed to the bottom of the 'toosh people's" pile...infact you are so untoosh!

Now I have a Meat pie craving

Im A Babe said...

ok this is so hilarious, it is wrong!

...toyintomato said...

gurl, you are 2 hilarious, your post made my day.
i am still chuckling at the fact that you stayed in the toilet, despite the smell..
p.s dont worry jare, i would have done the exact same thing.....lmao

lilmissfara said...

OH MY GAWD,bimbylad you never fail to deliver.meatpie sha?o de wa ba toilet yen je bayen?im sure you lost at least 20 kilos after offloading all that shit.

damn,you are a clown.

excessive-diva

Hopeful B! said...

Gal!!!!!!!you are hilarious!!!got me reeling almost everyday when i read your blog. You should write a book, titled BimbyLads MemoirS, i'm sure it'll be a great read...meanwhile i'm on the look out for TLN......KEEP THE LAUGHS GAL!!

Elcy said...

Now, why did God have to go and give all that "funniness" to one person? ( still laughing )
Girlllll.... you are an original!
LC

Mr.Fineboy said...

Had to go back and read this again man...hilarious! Meanwhile....Bimby, those meatpies you were holding while you offloaded....did you eat them later? Ewwww......LOL

Anonymous said...

bimbylads, I love you.

LondonBuki said...

Yuckkkk... fineboy why'd you have to make me think of that?

BLads... so did you eat the meatpies that had absorbed the fumes.... LOL!!!

Bubbles said...

Oh my lord in heaven!!!! That was the funniest thing i have read in a long time. Don't divorce meat-pie, give it a second chance.

Calabar Gal said...

U werent alone. I discovered those jamaican pastries too and they've been a substitute for meatpie.

This ya post was hilarious and I've booked a copy of this months true love magazine too. My aunty is bringing it over when she comes to visit.

Calabar Gal said...

P.S: Anyone who knows whee I can buy a copy of this months TRUE LOVE magazine pls drop me an email. Calabargal2@yahoo.co.uk.

Thanks.

omohemi Benson said...

Lol!
Bimbylads abeg no kil pesin,haba.
I hope the divorce between you and meatpie is sucessful.

I have a copy of True love, fine chick like you, pessin no go know sey you det spoil toilet.

Will send you a copy, email me.

NaijaBloke said...

Be like say u and Baba Suwe been relate I think,cos this is hella hilarious mehn ....

Am pretty sure u r still romancing with Mr meatpie cos it is usually very difficult to detach from an entity like that..LOL

Confused Naija Girl said...

bimby this is my far the funniest thing u have written. but meeen meat pie is delish oh!!

temmy tayo said...

Madam, i go bring am por u o!

zaiprincesa said...

LMAo...ole oh...Uwobia...
Oya pele...lemme stop...hope ur *coughs* ....stomach is much better.....hehehehe

who knows? said...

loooooooooooooooooooooooool!!!! thats was hilarious...im a fan of mr bigs chicken pie.... nothing beats that..with a nice bottle of fanta!!!!! and the whole stomach thing... i feel u on that!!1(i cant even write...this is too funni!)

Favoured Girl said...

LOL Bimby you are a crazy girl. This is how much you love meat-pie? I'm rolling with laughter here.

Favoured Girl said...

I just saw your TRUE LOVE feature on Bella's blog. It's really nice. Made me think though: fine girl like you eh, destroying the loo! LMAO!

Anu boy said...

okay naaaa.... even when ur belle de turn, you still grabbed your remaining meat pie...

one question, b4 u divorce Mr Meat Pie, what happened to the rest of the meat pie???

Tayo said...

Oh my God. It's been long I've laughed so hard at something on the internet ... men, that was hilarious. You're so so so ... let me reserve my comments till further notice.
Anyway, how's the divorce going? You're sure you won't go back? And to think that I hate Mr Biggs Meatpie. Gosh!

teekay said...

Bimby, i dont know what to do with u again, you have been certified mental, anh anh, too much jokes man. o funny gan

~Mimi~ said...

lolllllllllllllllllllllllll kai. you just purra face to the toilet-blasting girl! whattttttttttttt bimby ladssssss!! a whole fine gel like u! LAWL LAWL LAWL!

meanwhile i liked your pishure oh. all of you rawked the pages of true love.

David said...

Hey Bimby, just heard about the True Love article, that was real cool. You guys looked great. BTW, I thought you were an anon blogger? ... well that's 1 more blogger's face I've seen ... 99999 more faces to go!

Desola said...

I'm banning myself from this blog in the mighty name of Jesus, amen!

omolabake said...

lawl.....
Very funny ow that lady knew that it was you....maybe she recognized ur shoes or something....
My "meatpie" obsession is Gregg's Meat/Chicken Pastry.....I always grab a handful anytime I visit the UK....

butterfliesandstars said...

Congratulations on yout True Love spread.
Keep up the good work!

Mrs Somebody said...

I can't relate the sweet face I saw on TRUE LOVE magazine with the writer of this hilarious piece.

mystoriesmytestimonies said...

congratulations
lol

Cheetarah said...

Hey madam meatpie, Lookin good just saw ur spread in trulove babes truly there is no counterfiet.

ebony said...

You are real girl! Read my lips....The sky is the limit for you.....Thanks for cheering me up.

BiMbyLaDs** said...

u guys rawk! all of u that left nice comments, God bless u, i want to reply every one of you but i cant! its too hard, so thank you for ur comments.. but isnt it very convinent that TRUE LOVE had to show my face on d day i decided to blog about my shyt?? lollllllllllll.. its all TRUELOVE!! thanks everyone o!!

and for all u nosy people, who want to know about the remainin meat pie... oya get ready to faint : I ATE ONE FOR BREAKFAST YESTERDAY, E REMAIN ONE AND D HALF.. U WAN CHOP??

luvvvvvvv uuuuuuuuu.. !! ha!

BiMbyLaDs** said...

thank u all again, im humbled and meatpied by ur comments. e se gan ni..

Im A Babe said...

fyn babes lyk us no suppose 2 dey shit anyhow o!!!
dont spoil 'our rep' 4 us (lol)

BOBBY said...

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Oh sorry

LAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLL

And i thouht i had crase?

Bimby ooo, you no go kill me...

Saw your pretty face on Bella's...

Muah 100 times

femme said...

OMG!!. i cant belive there is so much comedy in blogsville. just saw your article in true love. congrats.

ababoypart2 said...

What an amusing post. I am also a meat-pie fan, but there isn’t a lot of it here. Mr Biggs should start thinking about setting up in the South East. They will surely clean up.

LurLar said...

Lmao.......funny post. I love Mr.Biggs meat pie too,but non like it sha, over here in overseas.

Allied said...

Lol... i am speechless

Nefyreda said...

yeah

Bimby did you eat those meatpies?

Naijadude said...

LOL...I laughed eh! sorry ur fav. had to do this to you...infact i go be witness for the divorce proceedings!

Deola said...

lol!! Bimbo you wont kill me..............lol! lol! I hope its not our church you did that one.......lol! I'm still laughing.....

Deola said...

by d way...congrats on your interview with True love.....have a copy of the magazine here...holla at me ..if you want to see it.

jaio said...

Bim, to think that you almost made it without been noticed and 'damn' sister sabi caught you hands down. pele o.
you'd ve to divorce urself from meatpie in future else sis you'd find urself in the bush one day looking for space to poke!

jaio said...

Jesus Christ, Sorry girl friend. That was really hilarious

Unbiased said...

Bimby you are stark raving crazy........... A drama queen ot the core. At least i know where t ogo when i need some fun and laughter.