..... Ah! Egba mi ke!! who shall deliver me from the love of meat pie?? its a cause for concern o!! sha, siddon my darling regular visitors and let me tell u how it all started.
story? Story? *all chorus* STORYYYYYYYY... once upon a time.... *all chorus: TIME, TIME!!*
Before, before, before.. Long, long time ago, a lovely damsel named bimbylads lived in Nigeria, Lagos state to be precise. And in that Lagos state, resided a restaurant called MR BIGGS. You see, MR Biggs had every type of pastry you ever wished for in your life. Mr Biggs was a wonderful friend to bimbylads, with his lovely yellow and red interior and rude attendants at the till, Mr Biggs was indeed classified as a must visit for Bimbylads almost every day. And why you may ask? Well, its because MR Biggs had a tenant that resided there. That tenant was called MEAT PIE, living with MEAT PIE in the same room was CHICKEN PIE. together, both tenants quickly became Bimbylads favorites. And bimbylads would never turn down an offer to visist Mr Bigs meat/chicken pie, even if it meant a razz toaster took her there... (disclaimer *this does not in anyway reduce bimbylads' tooshness*.
And so it continued for a very looong time.. This love between Bimbylads and Mr Biggs' tenants, humble Mr Meat Pie and feisty Miss Chicken Pie.....so deep was this love that when Bimbylads left Nigeria to voyage abroad for educational purposes, she wept so much at the airport due to the uncertainty that lay ahead in a ‘meatpie- less’ land... (P.S: the travel to UK to study was much to Bimbylads' unwillingness, but Mama Bimbylads realized that her daughter gallivanting UNILAG from one end to another instead of attending her FRENCH COURSE was a big waste of time; and decided to trick her daughter into coming to England- my next post will be on this)......
And so, London she arrived! What a meat pie hating country. HOW COLD AND BRUTAL A PLACE FOR NOT ENSURING THAT EVERY STORE HAD TENANTS LIKE MR BIGGS DID! beloved, for a good 3 years, Bimbylads did not taste meat pie!! it was a painful process. oh! and Bimbylads searched far and wide, east and west in search for meat pie. she asked every one she knew, every one she met, yet no one, no ONE had seen or heard of Meat pie!!
One day, bimbylads went to a departmental store called TESCO and lo and behold, was a glorious looking semi-circle very unnecessarily yellow pastry called 'JAMAICAN PATTIE'.. with beads of sweat forming on her forehead, lips quavering and saliva gathering in her throat, bimbylads dropped all other shopping and sped to the counter to pay for the yellow and wierd look-alike of meat pie.
One bite into the pastry and all bimbylads' hopes of finding naija meat pie were dashed. the Jamaican Pattie was a curry fest. It surely must have been made by Mr Patel of Judiya enterprises...E juz be like say i dey India. warrahell!! so... But! bimbylads would rather eat an imitation of naija meat pie than to live life meatpie less.. and so,bimbylads ate the whole Jamaican Pattie, bit by bit, crust by crust... as she took one bite, she mentally converted the morsell of jamaican pattie to nigerian meatpie.. and so bimbylads did for a whole year.
On Sunday afternoon after church, Bimbylads decided to even see what the lady who sells food round the corner had in store..lo and behold,the lady had naija meat pie..
MEAT PIE!! the naija one.. WITH POTATO AND MINCED MEAT!!! OOO!! WHAT A WONDERFUL THING IT IS NOT TO GIVE UP UR SEARCH FOR SOMETHING PRECIOUS..
Before you could say Mr Biggs; quick quick, bimbylads ordered like 5 meat pies. and every Sunday after wards, Bimbyads would sit near the meat pie lady to ensure that she is the first on the meat pie queue, once the Pastor shares the grace,,,, bimbylads will be on that queue reciting her 'SURELY GOODNESS AND MERCY SHALL FOLLOW ME...'................. UNTIL TODAY........
***say after me... ‘Gluttony is a sin'... repeat loud and clear ' do not divide ur attention in church with meat pie'...***
TODAY O!! THIS TODAY TODAY, BIMBYLADS RAN AS USUAL to meat pie queue......
na so she bought her regular ' 3 large meat pies, one small one, and 3 olu olu plantain chips with Ribena'
as she collected her meat pie and ran joyfully towards the car to go home, she sunk her teeth into the meat pie, closed her eyes, and chewed carefully and slowly in order to savour the scrumptious crust, before sinking in the perfectly seasoned minced meat and onion gravy mixture in it..... with each bite, the stomach pain increased... as the pain increased, bimbylads got more stubborn. No way, no matter how painful this stomach pain is, this sunday sunday tonic must not be interrupted.
as she took each bite, her walk became slower, her stomach rumbled in rebellion against the meat pie invasion. her body broke out in goose pimples, not out of pleasure of meat pie, but out of unbelievable and indescribable pain.
Yet, bimbylads did not drop the meat pie. she stuck her straw in her Ribena and took a deep sip, hoping it would clear the passage way for the meat pie and thus reduce the pain. the moment the ribena hit her small intestine.. THAT WAS IT!! HER STOMACH WAS ON FIRE!!!
*Wiun! Wiun! Wiun!* ~: .INTERNAL SIRENS BLASTING FROM THE STOMACH AND INTESTINE DEPARTMENT OF BIMBYLADS STOMACH, SHE WAS LEFT WITH ONLY, ONLY, ONLY TWO OPTIONS:
1) Fart and destroy the after church service meetings- *potentially even disrupt church for one week with the kain smell wey that fart go produce*
2) find a bathroom, and block the place out with some funny looking and ridiculously smelling ish... chick or no chick, designer bag or no designer bag, heck! bimbylads or no Bimbylads... this was an emergency
WITH NO TIME TO CONSIDER, SHE GRABBED HER REMAINING TWO AND A HALF MEAT PIES AND OLU OLU PLAINTAIN CHIPS AND RAAAAAAAAN TO A NEAR BY BATHROOM.
WITH SWEAT POURING DOWN HER CHEST AND BACK, SHE RAN INTO THE BATHROOM AND SHUT THE DOOR.. Relieved to see the bathroom was clean, she immediately began the action....
Chai! A good 20 minutes, strange bombing noises; 4 ladies waiting to use the bathroom in the queue and a smell that would inevitably raise the dead later; bimbylads was done.
NOW to the hard part. The bathroom was STENCHING, infact it was so bad that bimbylads had to hold her breath in (which by scientific calculations, should only be done for 5 minutes maximum)
There were no windows in the bathroom, she could hear the ladies conversing on the other side of the door
"hmm.. oga o, this place dey smell"
"chai! Isn’t there any air freshener?"
"How long does it take someone to use the bathroom?"
HOW??? HOWW NOOWW? HOW CAN? A whole tiny but cutish bimbylads that was known for her graceful smiles, chic dressing and posh conversations come out of that toilet clutching meat pies?
AND so, instead of coming out, bimbylads sat there! yes, in her own meatpie sh**t, bimbylads sat there holding her breath. After almost hearing her heart deliver irregular hear beats, she eventually had to breathe or risk dying.
A FEW HISSES later FROM THE queue to use for the bathroom, the ladies dispersed to find another bathroom, and a good 15 minutes later, bimbylads emerged from the bathroom.
She washed her hands very quickly and ran back into the car,. It was bad enough that she desperately needed to breathe In fresh air to disassociate her internal organs from the repugnant smell, she could not also risk being seen!! Lai lai!! So she ran! And fast did she run! Into the car! And once she sunk into the car seat, she breathed a final sigh of relief! She made it without being seen….. suddenly, sis. S passed by the car and stopped to peep through the window.. ..
‘ AH! Sis Bimbylads, e kuu Sunday! Eyin le wa ni toilet lati aro.. oga o! se kosi?’
( sis bimbylads, happy Sunday, so it was you that was in the toilet since morning, hope no problem?)
WHAT!!!! This sister S sef!! No fit see something and do like say she no see am?!!
In conclusion and bottom line, I am filing for divorce between myself and Mr Meatpie. If asked by the Meatpie court, My grounds for divorcing are ‘ irreparable damage Mr Meatpie has caused our relationship, plus invasion of my Sunday Church programs’.
im out! God bless and have a beautiful month of July full of divine suprises in Jesus name.,, love u all!