Dear Hollyhills or Beverlyhood smile,

I don’t even know where to begin my complaint from. In fact, I would have called your office, but I noticed that you were in America, and right now, I only use Global tel phone card, which by the way is £5, and not £2.50 like naija tel, and of course is the best for calling Nigeria and not America.

Not to seem like I am not angry, I will not digress. You will find attached to this letter two pictures of my teeth, one 7 days before I started using your product, and one 14 days after.. Yes., I know you asked us to check in 7 days for visible difference.. Visible difference ko, Clarins ni.. As you can see, the pictures are EXACTLY the same..

I am very disappointed/.// My mummy called me yesterday and asked me how my wedding plans were going, and I was excited to tell her that I had planned one thing.. ( out of the 30 she had written in a list since October) and that one this was my teeth whitening.. but ALAS.. please, Mr Holly hills, or Beverlyhood, as I am saying the ALAS, my mouth is wide open and my hands are in the air.. ALAS… ALAS... my teeth are not white.. if anything they are darker..

This morning was the last straw… I was brushing my teeth.. and guess what!? Oh! Okay, you are not into guessing games? Ejo e ko.. na me wey dey follow you joke.. guess what ?? u better guess before I waka to american embassy and collect visa and book bmi baby and come there..

Yes, you guessed almost right.. my teeth were BLEEDING… after 14 days of using your product religiously, morning afternoon night.. What happens? u draw my blood.. may thunda faya una yansh.. and yes… may thunda faya that fake white teeth u put on ur toothpaste…

Please I am very upset as I speak, but I am on my way to church, so I will pray to forgive u.. but as u cannot guarantee how I will feel, I can confirm that I accept compensation.. Yes.. in POUNDS.. the frigging dollar to pound rate is crap..SO,.. please pay the sum of £500 into my akkant by Friday latest ortherwise, I will write to Sun newspapaer, Ovation- u don’t know Ovation??? e ma worry too much.. when my letter appears, u will know.. I will write to Financial times.. I will even report u to Londonbuki, Diamondhawk, T minx, bella naija.. to mention a few of my newspeople bloggers.. whom will ensure that ur product is henceforth disqualified..

My akkant details are as follows:
Ms B Lads

Oh, £500 pounds is too much? U don craze patapata.. let me break it down for u…

1)£20 for the toothpaste. Yes I bought 4 in excitement and total trust in ur product
2) £50 pounds for the trouble it caused me to walk home from Tesco that day
3) £100 for using my hands to blog about the progess of ur product
4) £200 for the distress u caused others each time I smiled, thinking my teeth where indeed getting whiter.. ashe, it was all in the mind..
5)£200 for the distress u caused me each time I think of your product

Infact I’m thinking of your product now, and I have increased it to £700 ..!

I all forms of payment.. cheque, postal order, American express, Western union, Chequepoint money transfer.. or even pay pal sef.. OK, u can’t do that??… OK,..Mama Sura is coming to London next week, u can send it through her.. pls don’t show her what is inside the envelop o,. I no wan tori.!!. Mama Sura dey obtain person no be small.

To be on the safe side , Kindly do pls allocate Mama Sura her own funds for the journey..

Do not, I repeat vehemently, DO NOT hesitate to contact me.. and you are FOREWARNED.. do not write me a generic ‘ thank you for writing to hollyhills smile.. your letter is being dealt with and will be answered as soon as possible’.. u better not! If u do.. I will carry that letter and come to America.. shio.. hiss… na u know.. I will get VISA this time around..

Yours Sincerely.. ( pls.. take another ,look at my ‘after’ picture I sent you.. and imagine me smiling severely,

Bimbylads, BAB, MSC, AQT, YYY, London and America trained,
Representative OF LONDON BLOGGERS ASSOCIATION OF TEETH WHITNENING SURVIVOURS (please donate to my association too, I just formed it and I have only one member.. we are indeed growing in vast numbers…)
P.s: whatever u say or do.. Chineze eyes thinks my smile is whiter than the one on ur toothpaste!! And for that, I’m sticking out my tongue…

Ok,blogarians,.. i am about to post this letter.. any comments..?


Simply Gorgeous said...

Ok- Yeah I am first!!! Let me do my dance of joy.All of you haters I am fiirsstt!!! Ok I have got that out of my system. Bimby, your post is hilarious. I was just about to say why you dey craze about your teeth, doesn't chineze eyes love you regardless? My friend had the same problem she went to the dentist they told her it is a vitamin deficiency that she had when she was small and the result brownish-yellowish discolored teeth. Why don't you try Crest White strips, I am not sure if they have that in London?
Great post!!!

londonnaijachic said...

lol! u are one funny chic.All their whiter teeth in sven days is just a scam to get their hands on your money.Thank God i didnt buy that toothpaste let me carry on with my euthymol and listerine mouthwash till i can afford the proper thing

bimbylads said...

@ SG: im dancing too , thanx for being first... A BIG WHITE.. SORRY.. OFF WHITE SMILE coming your way..
@LNC: lol, i jus return from ASDA now o.. bought exactly what you use.. euthymol. here i come..
@ adura: lol. how come i cannot access your blog? my gums are ok now o.. lol..

LondonBuki said...

Ok, you are beyond FUNNY! LOL!!!

Like joke, Like joke... you'll make thousands! Don't forget us oh! LOL!


P.S. Thanks ;-)

Shola said...

lol! first time on your blog, am loving you already, will be back!

Cherub (former Bijouxoxo) said...

U're a total trip o. I'm "gbaduning" ur blog baje baje.

law_damsel said...


bimbylads said...

@ shola: thanks love.. visited ur blog too..
@ Lbuki :;)
@cherub.. lol.. we serve bournita and pepper soup here once a week.. pls come back.. ill check out ur blog during my lunch break
@ law_damsel: u used pearl drops? i should write them a letter too cos there is no difference... HA!

Calabar Gal said...

The claim is too small o jare!! Increase it to some cool millions and dont forget my 3%. (smile) Aint asking for too much seeing as you need dough for ur upcoming wedding.

bimbylads said...

@ CG@ : kai.. u be tiff...see ur eye! lol .. dont worry love, i gatchya

law_damsel said...

chai u yap me 4 internet..i guess il let our blog family bout d state of ur yellow teeth, wil take a pic nd let u know,guys

Miss Pearse said...

lol...just saw an episode of Tyra show with this girl that has severe Halitosis...She gargles with bleach,... but her teeth were very white sha...hint*hint...lol

bimbylads said...

@ miss pearse: ewwoooo! bleach gini? u wan killi me! lol. that one na madness...
thanks for stopping by!