Two years ago, I joined the gym. I attended once. I never went back. And now, I am being forced to go back to the gym.
Reasons are as follows:
1- Baggy jeans are beginning to look like leggins.
2- Skinny jeans don’t even go past my small toe.
3- T shirts are bearing an uncanny resemblance to body suits
4- I am being congratulated repeatedly and asked when the due date is. Especially after I have had lunch.
5- I am suddenly staring at slimmer people. Open mouthed.
6- Pictures of me from the past look like a before advert for a weight gain concoction
7- I hold my tummy in. Till I almost pass out. Regularly.
8- I run up a flight of ( short) steps and I feel like my heart is jumping right through my mouth.
9- Are those not enough reasons?!!?
Don’t get me wrong o. I am not a weight freak. Infact, I hate skinny. I don’t know how skinny people feel comfortable, knowing that the next gust of wind or sneeze could land them in Guatemala. I really don’t care if I gain weight or not, but I do care when I have to change my whole frigging wardrobe. I certainly do care if I climb an escalator and literally faint afterwards.
So, I must get back to the gym. I really must.
But, I have a phobia of the gym.
It all started one day, two years ago:
I was living in the rainy City of Glasgow, studying for my masters degree. My campus was literally 5 minutes away from my class, and because I had classes once every two weeks ( I never see that kain Full time course in my life), I hardly ever left my room, until one day, everything I listed above began to happen, so I joined the school gym. I happily filled in the application form and was invited to an induction. The induction leader asked everyone of us if we had ever been to a gym before. Everyone nodded yes. They had. Bimby had never been to gym before o, but I no fit say No. chick like me? So me too, I nodded. Vigorously.
So, the induction leader gave us a 'quick overview'.
By overview, the man would simply point at an exercise machine, press three buttons and say, 'that’s it, you've done this before so, I wont go on and bore you with all the details'. I didn’t have a clue, but I thought I could hack it. Na machine. Wetin fit happen?
So, after the induction, I ran straight to buy a pair of cute jogger pants and trainers. I even bought water bottle. You know, for effizi. Gym. Sip. Gym. Sip. Gym. Sip… lol
First day of gym came. I arrived promptly and went to change.
I wore matching outfit. Pink. Pink. Pink.
I came out of the changing room and looked around the gym. Everyone was just busy on one machine or the other.. So me too, I got into motion.
Went straight for the first machine I could operate since I was four. The bicycle.
I climb on top am, begin pedal. FAST. Within fifteen seconds, my legs felt like I'd had steel implants in them. I no even fit move. Kiya, Kiya, I staggered off and went to find another machine wey get sense.
So, I saw the rowing machine. Just like canoe. So I climb that one. Infact, I think I lasted five seconds in total on that one. My hand just refused to row the nonsense machine. If u pull the thing, it will draaaaaaaaaaaaaaag before you release it. At a point, I thought the thing will just vex and collect my hand o. Madness.
So I went to the next one. The tread mill. This one no suppose hard now. Jus climb, press go and begin walk.
So I climbed. I pressed ' green' for go. The thin started to move. I began to walk. The woman next to me was shaking her yansh. So me too, I shook my own. I sipped water ( for effizi).
I walked some more, then I felt like I was getting a good hang of it. So I press the + sign for increased speed. I closed my eyes and began to walk ( all the other people on the treadmill were closing thier eyes), then I felt one powerful surge of confidence come upon me.
If I could walk on the treadmill, then I could run on it. Like the woman next to me. She was listening to music and running on the treadmill, easily. So me too, I put my ear phone in my ears, began to blast music, and increased the treadmill speed. So I began to run… with my closed eyes.. And ran.. And ran.. Suddenly, I felt my legs lifting off the treadmill. I thought it was part of the effizi.. U know.. Air-tread walking… the feeling was great......
Until I heard a might GBOA!!, followed by intense pain.
I opened my eye… what did I see? I had landed near the weight lifting section. My yansh bone was on fire. Everyone was staring at me, and possibly wondering where I had materialised from.
You see, the treadmill section and the weight lifting section are on two opposite ends of the gym.
I wanted to move, my body no gree move. I was in so much pain. The gym instructor ran up to me and helped me to my feet.
' you okay?' he asked concernedly. Do I look okay? Cant you see that I am bend- walking? I almost spat out.
'Im f-fine' I stammered instead,' just lost my balance'
'just take a seat and relax, you should be okay in a few minutes' he comforted me. I smiled at him warmly and declined a seat. I should sit down? With what yansh?
That was 2 years ago. It took me three days to fully seat down on a chair. I had to use one half of my bum to balance.
Now its that time again. Bimby goes to Gym.
Wetin I for do?