25.3.08

Bimby Goes To Gym



Two years ago, I joined the gym. I attended once. I never went back. And now, I am being forced to go back to the gym.

Reasons are as follows:

1- Baggy jeans are beginning to look like leggins.
2- Skinny jeans don’t even go past my small toe.
3- T shirts are bearing an uncanny resemblance to body suits
4- I am being congratulated repeatedly and asked when the due date is. Especially after I have had lunch.
5- I am suddenly staring at slimmer people. Open mouthed.
6- Pictures of me from the past look like a before advert for a weight gain concoction
7- I hold my tummy in. Till I almost pass out. Regularly.
8- I run up a flight of ( short) steps and I feel like my heart is jumping right through my mouth.
9- Are those not enough reasons?!!?

Don’t get me wrong o. I am not a weight freak. Infact, I hate skinny. I don’t know how skinny people feel comfortable, knowing that the next gust of wind or sneeze could land them in Guatemala. I really don’t care if I gain weight or not, but I do care when I have to change my whole frigging wardrobe. I certainly do care if I climb an escalator and literally faint afterwards.

So, I must get back to the gym. I really must.
But, I have a phobia of the gym.

It all started one day, two years ago:
I was living in the rainy City of Glasgow, studying for my masters degree. My campus was literally 5 minutes away from my class, and because I had classes once every two weeks ( I never see that kain Full time course in my life), I hardly ever left my room, until one day, everything I listed above began to happen, so I joined the school gym. I happily filled in the application form and was invited to an induction. The induction leader asked everyone of us if we had ever been to a gym before. Everyone nodded yes. They had. Bimby had never been to gym before o, but I no fit say No. chick like me? So me too, I nodded. Vigorously.
So, the induction leader gave us a 'quick overview'.

By overview, the man would simply point at an exercise machine, press three buttons and say, 'that’s it, you've done this before so, I wont go on and bore you with all the details'. I didn’t have a clue, but I thought I could hack it. Na machine. Wetin fit happen?
So, after the induction, I ran straight to buy a pair of cute jogger pants and trainers. I even bought water bottle. You know, for effizi. Gym. Sip. Gym. Sip. Gym. Sip… lol

First day of gym came. I arrived promptly and went to change.
I wore matching outfit. Pink. Pink. Pink.
I came out of the changing room and looked around the gym. Everyone was just busy on one machine or the other.. So me too, I got into motion.
Went straight for the first machine I could operate since I was four. The bicycle.

I climb on top am, begin pedal. FAST. Within fifteen seconds, my legs felt like I'd had steel implants in them. I no even fit move. Kiya, Kiya, I staggered off and went to find another machine wey get sense.

So, I saw the rowing machine. Just like canoe. So I climb that one. Infact, I think I lasted five seconds in total on that one. My hand just refused to row the nonsense machine. If u pull the thing, it will draaaaaaaaaaaaaaag before you release it. At a point, I thought the thing will just vex and collect my hand o. Madness.

So I went to the next one. The tread mill. This one no suppose hard now. Jus climb, press go and begin walk.
So I climbed. I pressed ' green' for go. The thin started to move. I began to walk. The woman next to me was shaking her yansh. So me too, I shook my own. I sipped water ( for effizi).

I walked some more, then I felt like I was getting a good hang of it. So I press the + sign for increased speed. I closed my eyes and began to walk ( all the other people on the treadmill were closing thier eyes), then I felt one powerful surge of confidence come upon me.

If I could walk on the treadmill, then I could run on it. Like the woman next to me. She was listening to music and running on the treadmill, easily. So me too, I put my ear phone in my ears, began to blast music, and increased the treadmill speed. So I began to run… with my closed eyes.. And ran.. And ran.. Suddenly, I felt my legs lifting off the treadmill. I thought it was part of the effizi.. U know.. Air-tread walking… the feeling was great......

Until I heard a might GBOA!!, followed by intense pain.
I opened my eye… what did I see? I had landed near the weight lifting section. My yansh bone was on fire. Everyone was staring at me, and possibly wondering where I had materialised from.


You see, the treadmill section and the weight lifting section are on two opposite ends of the gym.
I wanted to move, my body no gree move. I was in so much pain. The gym instructor ran up to me and helped me to my feet.
' you okay?' he asked concernedly. Do I look okay? Cant you see that I am bend- walking? I almost spat out.
'Im f-fine' I stammered instead,' just lost my balance'
'just take a seat and relax, you should be okay in a few minutes' he comforted me. I smiled at him warmly and declined a seat. I should sit down? With what yansh?
That was 2 years ago. It took me three days to fully seat down on a chair. I had to use one half of my bum to balance.

Now its that time again. Bimby goes to Gym.
Wetin I for do?

99 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bimby na wa for you. I had to control myself from laughing as I was holding my sleeping son when I read your blog. I wish u well in your quest to tone up. I wish I had the time to join the gym as well. Do let me know how you get on as my jeans feel like skinny jeans as well and i have also been asked if i am expecting as i have refused to wear wetin I wear to hold my belle in!!!!!! Anyway take care and have a blessed week.

Fola

Tinuke said...

Lol......

Its been a while since I have been here. You are too funny.

Just make sure you get a proper induction this time!

delabique said...

u mean u ran off d treadmill without realising it? what katapulted u to d other end of d gym?

u must complete the ist o.. i want to know what it was firsthand

promise me u will complete d gist

delabique said...

thank God the old bimby is back. anotherone is surely a counterfeit

i still cant get over my laughter....

Bimby, what katapulted u to d other side of d gym?

u must complete d gist o

delabique.blogspot.com

bimbylads said...

@fola: how now? :-)
@tinuke: trust me,i will! its not like thier yeye induction even makes sense. ill give u the gist when i eventually go to the gym:-)
@delabique: to be honest, i think i walked backwards and flew off the treadmill without realising it. It wasnt funny back then o! lol

Figurella said...

LOLLLLL, I can only hail u for even putting the effort into finding a gym. I have accepted rather gracefully that it wasn't created for us all.

I find that skipping and sit-up are good form of exercises that can be eaisly done in your room. All the best cos I sure know what u mean by opening mouth when a slim girl passes, my own is how da heck do they keep their tummy so flat :-((

36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...

BABES U R CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
u will not believe me sef i carried myself to gym d other day, na im i get there begin dey do nah, come and see d kind eye wey ppl dey give me there, say wetin u dey find for here? in fact one woman even came up to me and said 'at this rate u r gonna dissapear' needless to say i didnt go back, make i just stick to d tennis abeg!

mo try la ti pe e o, ur fone was going to voicemail!

darkelcee said...

Bimby!!!!!
1- Baggy jeans are beginning to look like leggins.lawlllllllll

you will not kill me sha.

but ehmmm are you sure you never hook belle? check urself before you go gym O

but wetin carry you to weight lifting section? lolllll

how is ur "husband"?

bimbylads said...

@ darkelcee: sis.. wassup now.. !!
lol.. if I hook belle, trust me, I go know!! lol
hubby's fine!!

engee said...

lol @ Skinny jeans don’t even go past my small toe.....

si si bimby na wa for you o!!!! u no go kill person with laughter..i was laughing so hard my colleague begin wonder

have tried the gym once but realised i only went der 7 days in a month. i don turn my room to gym now...i jog, skip and do all forms of exercise der o. i no just fit shout

if u try gym dis time and e no work make u try ur room u hia. jst set alarm for the duration of time u want to spend working out, then stick to it till the alarm goes off.

the Lord is ya strength my sista...lol

and i take God beg you....no close ur eye if u dey on top treadmil again.....abeg o! dat waist is still very important to us.....lol

Shubby Doo said...

ROTFLMAO...kai!

pele my dear...don't worry that sort of thing has happened to everybody at the gym.

abeg go to the gym...you now have the benefit of experience and you must continue to look fine fine...

i agree with you the only thing that stops me loosing or gaining too much weight is idea of having to change my whole wardrobe... can I afford that? ‘no way jose!’

(whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat...11th ke – was going to do my little dance of joy if I got into the top 10!)

LASGIDI/ NY said...

LMAO , Ohh my God u have killed me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YankeeNaija said...

"Until I heard a might GBOA!!, followed by intense pain.
I opened my eye… what did I see? I had landed near the weight lifting section. My yansh bone was on fire. Everyone was staring at me, and possibly wondering where I had materialised from."

I just lost it at this point. You're a fool. You're a fool. At least this time, will you let them know you don't know how to use the machine??? Please do. You're hilarious. Truly, truly hilarious.

Bookie19 said...

Skinny jeans don’t even go past my small toe.
Omg..u are too funny..see me sitting in the library laughing my ass off.. This is by far one of the funniest blogs i've ever been on..U are such a comedian

Love ur blog

Zena said...

lmao

water...for effizy, this was hellafunny, don't let history repeat itself

have a good one

Anonymous said...

LOL, this had me cracking up!!!!

Aijay said...

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG, u're something else. I can't stop laughing. lol...

Tell me about it, I thought I was the only one with gym-phobia.
Pls keep ur eyes open in that gym. Plsssssss

Simi Speaks said...

lol.. u have come again. you.

KemiMamaLopes said...

Glasgow. A city after my own heart. Was there for about 6 months until I realised I did not understand a word being spoken and hot footed it back down south.

Thanks for a great belly laugh. Must have burnt off a few calories so no exercise tonight.

temmy tayo said...

Join me tmrw,we shall run thru M25 to Surrey. Better than joining a gym my love.

ejatutu said...

LMAO, na real effizy. that's why me and gym are not friends. Everytime I go, i see all this fit people running like Linford Christie (these are women)

in fact they should have gym for the fit and gym for the unfit. that way there will never be any gboa happening

i feel u man

Anonymous said...

Why gym, why you no try pilate for house, make you husband be instructor,you go slim, my dear, you know gym and eba no go 2gether.

when you figure 4 appear, send us pic, we fit push you go do mrs world.

eFJay said...

Pele mehn! LOL!
Dont fall on the treadmill again o! hehe! Goodluck o!

Shaywun said...

Too funny as always! The effizy part (2 times abi how many times?) is what's making me laugh!!! I totally understand the closing your eyes and losing your balance, it happens really fast and by the time you're realising it... too late!

Unbiased said...

My paddy!!
I dont know if i should laugh or cry. I am yoyoing between the two.
From end of the gym to another? For real?

Girl this time keep your eyes open. I never close my eyes in the gym. You might want to try the shapers drinks from boots. 7 calories a bottle but they take care for those between meal cravings.
Might be worth a try.

It's weird that i get more exercise when i am in london but seem to put on soo much weight at the same time. Must be the air or something.

fluffycutething said...

I laughed so hard that i needed to tell my Oga this story.... :D

Good luck this time round oh LOL

Mr.Fineboy said...

Bimby is back??? Why didnt anyone tell me? I don laugh tire. "I thought it was part of the effizi..." HILARIOUS! Welcome back ms lady!

Nini said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Bimby is back. That was funny.

Naija Chickito said...

You are really funny. I thoroughly enjoyed this post (and every post before it). Please do continue to update regularly. I so love your style..

xxx
Your fan.

Anonymous said...

and I heard a might GBAO!!

Crying induced by laughter.......you are plenty mehn!

Idemili said...

Bimby, I give it to you, YOU ARE FUNNY! Kai! Girl, if only I were not so anonymous sef we for don meet someone needs to buy you palmwine and I know just the right stuff.

Abeg, na idemmili@hotmail.co.uk.

I know you are yellow na, I have seen you before. Yes, I be winsh.

Naija Vixen said...

Lol, girl dont kobalise me at work oh! I have to send money to the village abeg, i cant get sacked!

Aspiring nigerian woman said...

chei, going to the gym is not funny at all. Try doing the classes instead of the machines. They are fun and if you get bored, you can look at others with extra tyres and thank your lucky stars!

Bunmmy said...

me i don tru wit all them gym nonsense and the trainers wey sabi too much....lol

pele o, hope u no go land for ground again o

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

lmao.. ur too funny i swear.. i wan laff die.. make them no fire me 4 here oh.. yesuuuuuuu.. haha.. omo i gained weight recently oh... registered in the gym a week ago... its sha going.. lol.. 2 years ago i paid for one year at the gym and only went 3 times.. this time .. I WILL BE FIT... haha... omo come and see the weight i gained in naija drinking star beer.. its not a game!!! lol.. ive missed u oh this babe... keepirrup! hope say ur oga dey kampe(however u spell dat).. happy spring my angel

bumight said...

lol @ sipping water for effizi. you are a "pro" now,so this second run with the gym shouldn't be too bad.

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Olamild said...

heheheheh first of all
I feel u o jere
Samething's been happening here
My friends use to tease me that i am buttless
Now most of my pants can't go past my thighs.. the thing don shoot out like crazy
I can't even wear my spag, n body hugs...

Zephi Fahrenheit said...

stop hating on skinny people jo...we dont bother to hit the gym and we can eat want we want..ok

with love
from a sexy skinny chick

lol

Sting said...

LMAO! Damn u are funny!

The Last King Of Scotland said...

the gym truly is a hard hustle. u get what u put into it. no effort, no result. good luck

princesa said...

LMAO!
YOu are always very funny babes.

Maybe you should try walking, dancing or jogging if the gym is such a bad idea.

N.I.M.M.O said...

BimbyLads is back. Funnier than ever.!

I beg go to the gym o. For one , you will lose some weight and we will get some good stories from there.

Smaragd said...

hey, overwhelmingly hilarious blog!
first timer here and i could only thank God that my boss is still on leave!
forgive us slim people, u see most nigerian men dont even like our size, it's the white ones who appreciate, so dwan hate.

seriously, try dancing, it's effective and maybe swimming.

very nice blog.

ablackjamesbond said...

LMAO!Funny. very funny

TinTin said...

lmaooooooo.....oww gosh mad funny!!! mehn i've gone an woken my little niece up with my laughing..whala don start again!!

mirage said...

i no fit laugh oh!haba u shld be acting

Pink-satin said...

lol!u r a clown

darkelcee said...

Ol' girl

update this blog!

abi you dey gym?

Anonymous said...

good luck babe :)

TaureanMinx said...

Where is bimby?

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Omg I love the humor in this post! Im sure you haven gained as much weight as your letting on. Good luck@ the gym. The Ellyptical is my fav

Tinuke said...

This Bimby sef, you never go gym finish? We still dey here oh!

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curvyice said...

You got me laughing hysterically and everyobne at work tot i was mad cos i could not hold it in. your story reminded me of another friend of mine.....but thats a story i dont wont to recount....neways as usual you delivered. keep doing what u do best.

engee said...

ah ah sisi bimbs.....time don reach to update na

Omohemi Benson said...

bimby... I have missed your blogging o!
I couldn't help laughing out loud!
You can start some exercises at home,I recommend London Bukky to be your gym instructor/personal instructor, she'll be of great help, seriously.

Writefreak said...

Lol..you really cracked me up! Joined the gym myself a while back and was initially consistent but dropped out when life got too busy, i was fortunate i lost the weight i wanted to lose after i stopped though...

Please be careful this time o, we don't want you breaking your bones....it's been long, how have you been?

Red Puree said...

Updaaaaaaaaate!!....:-)

temmy tayo said...

When is Bimby returning from the gym? habaaaaaaaaaaaa i am number 60sef hurry and update jare.

Funms said...

lol.... good luck this time around.....

WeirdGurl said...

http://weirdbabe.blogspot.com/

Naijachic said...

OMG! I cracked up soo hard!!! i can feel my ribs poking underneath the suddenly growing pound of flesh called my abdomen!!!

Kiki said...

omg i laffed so hard thru this post i was crying..i think we hav all gone thru this gym experience at one pt...dnt worri u can do it!

engee said...

DIS GYM PPLE NO DEY CLOSE? NA WA O

T-man said...

One is getting worried, when will this lady be back? Who has the phone number for missing people charity? I beg make she come update her blog now...

TinTin said...

pls it is time to update!! thank you..we miss u nowwww!

Smaragd said...

Dear mrs. Bimbylads,

how are u and ur family? i hope all is fine? if so, doxology.

i hereby write this small piece of mine to plead with you. please update ur blog, we fellowbloggers are worried that sth migh've happened at the gym.

i hope u look on this piece of mine with favorable consideration.

yours sincerely
Smaragd

Secretary, Bloggers association.

Uzo said...

LOL...Oh hilarious..these sound like my own gym experiences...Exercise little by little...I hear that its part of the newlywed thing...bride and groom put on weight. Only difference - the brides tries to shed the weight while the groom is congratulated at the changes in his stature courtesy of marriage

Tayo said...

LOL! Too many comments, wetin I wan talk join? Thank God I can still come to your site and laugh. I'll advice you to go and "wikipedia" all those Gym equipment before going to gym this time o.

Nwanyi Ocha said...

Bimby... where are you?

chi-grace said...

LOL!!! got me laughing hard and loud at work...thanx

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

hEY, JUST CHECKING IN...

BiMbyLaDs** said...

thanks for all ur comments. no vex abeg, i am coming back soon, i have just been too busy .. i embarked on a new adventure in the effort to keep fit.. ill update u soon...

thanks again and pls be patient with me.. no vex o

Calabar Gal said...

Enjoy ur time at the gym bimbylads. This was a very hilarious post.

Funms said...

where are you?????????

Anonymous said...

Bimby drink apple cider vinegar with warm water, you will lose weight in no time. I tried it, It worked, All the waste in your belly will be cleaned in no time, Research on it yourself.

AlooFar said...

Baggy jeans are now beginning to look like leggins... LMAO...

NaijaBabe said...

lolllllllllllllll..................that was funny.
I feel weird everytime i go to a gym...everyone there is really pulling efizy and i feel like an idiot.
So i stick to losing weight by running like a headless chicken when i play basketball

shu said...

LMAO, oh my gosh, I'm sitting here in my hotel room laughing like a lunatic, I'm with child so I cant afford to roll on the ground...thanks for making my day though!

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curvyice said...

Bimby where at thou?

geisha said...

how did i only just decide to start reading your blog????????????!!
loving it.

Beyond said...

bimby... hope you are doing great.... we miss you.

miz-cynic said...

NA WA O, U WAN DO AFARAWE,I SASAW UR PIX IN TRUE LOVE NOT TOO LONG AGO, U WERE NOT LOOKING LIKE U NEED ANY OF THIS NOT TO TALK OF THT SUFFER WEY U GO SUFFER UR BEHIND, VERY FUNNY, LOOOOVE RASDING UR BLOGS, THEY ARE HILARIOUS.

miz-cynic said...

IM NEW BIMBY, PLEASE WISIT M Y SITE, I NO GET SHAME I DEY BEG MAKLE E NO COME B LIKE DIARY SEF

Eseosa said...

oh bimby u 2 funny.I laughed soooooo hard.My God!It was d first time I read ur blog but it was beautiful.I c myself visiting regularly.It truly lifted my mood.Needless 2 say me sef wan slim down but no b moi moi 2 do am o.Wen ur trouser enter well,let me know make I 4 start my own.U be good.

Eseosa said...

Abeg dey update ur blog o.Go like 2 dey read more.

WeirdGurl said...

lol. u're funny.
goodluck in gym, hope u achieve ur weight loss goals

Anonymous said...

where art thou?
please come back!!!!!
Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Biko!!!!!!!!!!
Miss u !!!
Urs trully,
Regular Anon Reader

darkelcee said...

Bimby you don born?

Platinum Diva said...

My dear i know how you feel, but let me tell you if u keep at it, it will work.... I started running every morning and in thw night i try an do a 30 min work up hill..... just do you for get about everyone else!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh i see you were reading my blog, keep reading new post up soon, oh start from the first one......

PlatinumDiva09

Anonymous said...

i could so identify with that 'people coming to congrtulate me and asking for the due date' reason. it had been happening for over a year and the worst thing is you know the people mean well and are really excited for you and i just say, no, not pregnant, it's just fat. the most annoying thing about weight gain for it is how a didproportionate amount of it just lodges i my stomach so i don't look curvier, i just look perpetually preg. finally got tired of it like u and so have also been hitting the gym

libvixen said...

i really love ur blog keep doin wat u do best
will come here all the time

Ladies Confessions said...

lazy bum. (pun intended) lol

Anonymous said...

wats happening to u. Long time i hear from u. Ur fans are waiting ooo,abi u don leave blog life be dat?
Pls update

Chizom said...

Auntie Bimby... I understand your pain. I just joined a gym again after 3 years and I still dey ask myself which kind crazy ghost possess me sef

max said...

i really enjoyed your writing style, but why have not updated your blog 4 so long?

darkelcee said...

Bimby, like joke like joke you don comot blogville? this almost 1 year and no update?

ko da bayi oh! how are you and hubby?