……The plan was to look like a certain ‘Lauren Hill meets Halle Berry’.. u know, that beautiful African look, which you complement with dark beads and flowing kaftans on a lovely summer aftenoon?? .. that’s the look….. now I just dey ask in real regret say.. who sent me message to go and do this afro kinky hair style now? And the foolish kinky hair is now very black and very hard.. hiss…na so so Jamaican men just dey look me. I should have learnt from the last time I had this hair style on. All sorts of jamo men were just toasting me.. I recall vividly when one particular one came up to me:
‘ ward up nuuubiaaan queen’, whatta ya name’…..
( whats up Nubian queen, whats your name?)
Nubian queen?.. u dey craze. I resemble Nubian? .... I just blanked the guy and increased my pace ‘cos this one looked like a drugged up brother, before he go uproot my hair to make weed.….. but, shock catch me when the jamo man no even press , he just eyed me and said in patua:
‘ lookatchya, youz no even that beautifooola, tew murch meeaaakap’
( look @u, you are not even that beautiful, too much make up)
Emi too much meeaakap? You is a Bombklat!!.. hiss…
I know I still kinda look like ‘Lauren Berry’ so I won’t fret. I say to my self, I am bold and I am beautiful, with or without this Kinky hair.
Meanwhile, I just called my bank to transfer some money into my savings account.. after an agonizing 20 minute wait on the phone listening to depressing classical music, the phone is answered....omo, shock catch me as the lady answered the phone..
The obviously Nigerian woman gushes out ( in about 10 milliseconds):
( u have to read this out loud to your self to understand the gravity)
goooodaftanooooTeinkyou feri mushforCorringOurBank PLC,mynameHisHabi,howmayHighhassist?
Na good afternoon, thank you for calling X bank, my name is Abi, how may I assist you; the woman wan say o.. she just butcher the whole English phonetics with predominance of the H…
I no even reply, I just hung up the phone .. That stupid call must have cost me like 10 quid... I don’t know what is chasing her that she is speaking like someone that they put hot puff puff in her mouth plus the H factor... The funny thing is, she was trying to speak fune o!...that’s how i will ask her to transfer money to my savings account, she will now be telling me story ( which i wont understand, giving the speed at which she speaks)-- no be me and u.
So aunty B called me yesterday (remember my aunty that I grew up with?- the one that taught me how to make the famous kokoless amala?) ehen , she called me and told me that her 4 year old daughter, would be my little bride. For the purposes of this blog and the fact that the name suits her, lets call her Atom Ant. ( A.A).
Fear catch me as she told me o, because, as I be like this, I no get wedding insurance. You see, AA is one of a kind. In fact it’s becoming a cause for concern. The problem be say, AA get unusual strength. She is a very strong child. I no dey joke o. I mean when person strong like bricklayer, that’s AA for u.. Sometimes, its like she ate that spinach that Popeye eats as the strength go just clutch her…a typical conversation between a stranger and AA meeting for the first time would undeniably go thus:
Stranger: ‘cute girl how are u, what is your name, where is your mummy’?
AA: (eying stranger with interest) ‘I can carry you’
Stranger: ( laughter) ‘good girl! You want to carry big uncle, little girl cannot carry big uncle like me, tell me your name, will u’?
Me thinking :( uncle u still dey speak English? U never sabi say Atom Ant is a Voltron)
( stranger is attempting to stroke her 4yr old cheeks)
AA: ( grabs strangers hand very firmly) ….u tink I cant carry you? You tink so? You tink so? See me, I can carry u.. I can carry u..
Na so o.. AA go just uproot the stranger and attempt to hurl him across the room-
AA can be sitting down doing her homework, suddenly, na so she go just jerk her head, look up from her books and blurt out:
‘I can carry the chair, you tink I cant carry it? See me o, I can carry it’…. Before u say Jack Robins--- AA don fling chair to one angle.
I hear say AA don break the entire break able for the house. She go just look the item and mutter :
‘ I can carry you. You tink I cannot carry you? You tink so? See me o, see me o, I carry you’…
AA don carry my own mother before.. as Mumsy dey sitting room ,, thats how she came to meet my mum:
<em>AA: ‘mummy, I can carry you’
Mumsy sef sabi say AA fit carry Train, so mumsy no even argue:
Mum: ‘ AA, fine girl, you can carry me o.. come and take sweet..’
AA: ‘ mummy, you tink I cannot carry you? I can carry you o.. see me as I carry you’
Mum: AA, you can car---------put me down!! Omo k’omo!
So, una see my dilemma o.. se na that AA I go use as little bride??.. wey she go just look the pastor as he dey join us in matrimony:
‘ pastor of London, .. I can carry you.. you tink I cannot carry you?’…..
Nna, na Law abiding land I dey, I no get wedding insurance, If Pastor break hin neck nko? …..
Make I warn u well well, if ur coming for my wedding, una please carry your own hook to hook ya sef to a pole o… if u see one cute 4 year old walking purposefully towards u, either u HANDCUFF ya sef to the FLOOR, or RUN!!!
Anyway, my dear beloved bloggers, that’s the last of me you will be enjoying for a little while. I need to focus on some things and blogging is very distracting to me at this time. I plan to come back, but I cannot say for sure when, it wont be long though, just need to clear my head ( the kinky is not helping matters). Oh and I ’m taking Law damsel with me..:)
Please do visit my page from time to time to read the ‘feed your soul’ verse of the day on the right of my page.
Oh, and I have to leave this message to 3 of my best friends, 2 of whom i know read this blog religiously:
D.O: youre thousands of miles away, but youre a gem. i love you,thank you for helping with the special D-Day, thanks for being a best friend.
P.B: Missing you already, please stay!. you are one in a million. I love u
M.O: loyalty is your middle name. I love you to bits.
Bimbylads will miss you, but she’ll be back, with plenty gist.
Please feel free to check up on me on firstname.lastname@example.org- I will always respond.
on 25.4.07 © BiMbyLaDs**