25.4.07

Atom Ant...Brb


……The plan was to look like a certain ‘Lauren Hill meets Halle Berry’.. u know, that beautiful African look, which you complement with dark beads and flowing kaftans on a lovely summer aftenoon?? .. that’s the look….. now I just dey ask in real regret say.. who sent me message to go and do this afro kinky hair style now? And the foolish kinky hair is now very black and very hard.. hiss…na so so Jamaican men just dey look me. I should have learnt from the last time I had this hair style on. All sorts of jamo men were just toasting me.. I recall vividly when one particular one came up to me:

ward up nuuubiaaan queen’, whatta ya name’…..

( whats up Nubian queen, whats your name?)

Nubian queen?.. u dey craze. I resemble Nubian? .... I just blanked the guy and increased my pace ‘cos this one looked like a drugged up brother, before he go uproot my hair to make weed.….. but, shock catch me when the jamo man no even press , he just eyed me and said in patua:

lookatchya, youz no even that beautifooola, tew murch meeaaakap’

( look @u, you are not even that beautiful, too much make up)

Emi too much meeaakap? You is a Bombklat!!.. hiss…


I know I still kinda look like ‘Lauren Berry’ so I won’t fret. I say to my self, I am bold and I am beautiful, with or without this Kinky hair.

Meanwhile, I just called my bank to transfer some money into my savings account.. after an agonizing 20 minute wait on the phone listening to depressing classical music, the phone is answered....omo, shock catch me as the lady answered the phone..

The obviously Nigerian woman gushes out ( in about 10 milliseconds):

( u have to read this out loud to your self to understand the gravity)

goooodaftanooooTeinkyou feri mushforCorringOurBank PLC,mynameHisHabi,howmayHighhassist?

Na good afternoon, thank you for calling X bank, my name is Abi, how may I assist you; the woman wan say o.. she just butcher the whole English phonetics with predominance of the H…

I no even reply, I just hung up the phone .. That stupid call must have cost me like 10 quid... I don’t know what is chasing her that she is speaking like someone that they put hot puff puff in her mouth plus the H factor... The funny thing is, she was trying to speak fune o!...that’s how i will ask her to transfer money to my savings account, she will now be telling me story ( which i wont understand, giving the speed at which she speaks)-- no be me and u.


So aunty B called me yesterday (remember my aunty that I grew up with?- the one that taught me how to make the famous kokoless amala?) ehen , she called me and told me that her 4 year old daughter, would be my little bride. For the purposes of this blog and the fact that the name suits her, lets call her Atom Ant. ( A.A).

Fear catch me as she told me o, because, as I be like this, I no get wedding insurance. You see, AA is one of a kind. In fact it’s becoming a cause for concern. The problem be say, AA get unusual strength. She is a very strong child. I no dey joke o. I mean when person strong like bricklayer, that’s AA for u.. Sometimes, its like she ate that spinach that Popeye eats as the strength go just clutch her…a typical conversation between a stranger and AA meeting for the first time would undeniably go thus:

Stranger: ‘cute girl how are u, what is your name, where is your mummy’?

AA: (eying stranger with interest) ‘I can carry you’

Stranger: ( laughter) ‘good girl! You want to carry big uncle, little girl cannot carry big uncle like me, tell me your name, will u’?


Me thinking
:( uncle u still dey speak English? U never sabi say Atom Ant is a Voltron)

but

( stranger is attempting to stroke her 4yr old cheeks)

AA: ( grabs strangers hand very firmly) ….u tink I cant carry you? You tink so? You tink so? See me, I can carry u.. I can carry u..

Na so o.. AA go just uproot the stranger and attempt to hurl him across the room-


AA can be sitting down doing her homework, suddenly, na so she go just jerk her head, look up from her books and blurt out:

‘I can carry the chair, you tink I cant carry it? See me o, I can carry it’…. Before u say Jack Robins--- AA don fling chair to one angle.

I hear say AA don break the entire break able for the house. She go just look the item and mutter :

‘ I can carry you. You tink I cannot carry you? You tink so? See me o, see me o, I carry you’

AA don carry my own mother before.. as Mumsy dey sitting room ,, thats how she came to meet my mum:

<em>AA: ‘mummy, I can carry you’

Mumsy sef sabi say AA fit carry Train, so mumsy no even argue:

Mum: AA, fine girl, you can carry me o.. come and take sweet..’


AA:
‘ mummy, you tink I cannot carry you? I can carry you o.. see me as I carry you’


Mum: AA, you can car---------put me down!! Omo k’omo!


So, una see my dilemma o.. se na that AA I go use as little bride??.. wey she go just look the pastor as he dey join us in matrimony:

pastor of London, .. I can carry you.. you tink I cannot carry you?’…..
Nna, na Law abiding land I dey, I no get wedding insurance, If Pastor break hin neck nko? …..


Make I warn u well well, if ur coming for my wedding, una please carry your own hook to hook ya sef to a pole o… if u see one cute 4 year old walking purposefully towards u, either u HANDCUFF ya sef to the FLOOR, or RUN!!! 


Brief Break

Anyway, my dear beloved bloggers, that’s the last of me you will be enjoying for a little while. I need to focus on some things and blogging is very distracting to me at this time. I plan to come back, but I cannot say for sure when, it wont be long though, just need to clear my head ( the kinky is not helping matters). Oh and I ’m taking Law damsel with me..:)

Please do visit my page from time to time to read the ‘feed your soul’ verse of the day on the right of my page.

Oh, and I have to leave this message to 3 of my best friends, 2 of whom i know read this blog religiously:

D.O: youre thousands of miles away, but youre a gem. i love you,thank you for helping with the special D-Day, thanks for being a best friend.
P.B: Missing you already, please stay!. you are one in a million. I love u
M.O: loyalty is your middle name. I love you to bits.


Bimbylads will miss you, but she’ll be back, with plenty gist.

Please feel free to check up on me on bimbyladsblog@yahoo.co.uk- I will always respond.

Ciao,

Blads

43 comments:

zaiprincesa said...

BIMBYLADS, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!...DONT GO!!!!!!!!!!!....ok, yes, u want make i beg, oya, im begging....

But, if u choose to do agidi and take leave of absence, i cannot fault u. Take all the time u need, mami...blogspot aint goin nowhere...and goodluck with all ur preparations....

Stay blessed!

Ugo Daniels said...

There goes another one, now i wonder who else's remaining?

Ifeyemi said...

Please Bimbylad, Omo ola, ma lo (don't go). Ki lo fe ki n fun e?

I'm just kidding... I know you don't know me from Adam but I really do understand how complex life can get.
Keep your head above the water and take care of business(es)...How are the wedding plans coming? Like a "normal person's" I hope? Don't give Mama Bimbylads heart attack on the phone O!
Alright, The grace and strength of the Lord will pull you through.
Take care

Desola said...

I don laff die! I can carry you, watch me carry you. I will miss you! I have only just visited your site and you're leaving. O ma se o.

Segedoo said...

LMAO.
bimbylads... you are too funny!

see ya soon.

LondonBuki said...

Hey... I have been saying I will call you since and I haven't.
I'll call you before the end of the week.

Take good care of yourself, ok?

Dimples said...

Gerra out jare!!!...where are u going to???...Anywaysi guess u have 2 do what u have to do..sha ro ra o...let the countdown begin...
Se when u were now thanking D.O,P.B and M.O...what about S.O???This is real oju aye o..what happened 2 the love???....lol

ALL IS WELL!!!

Mrs Somebody said...

Okay you can go but come back soon.And say hello to chinese eyes for me.

Simply Gorgeous said...

BIMBYLADS!!EHEM...Where are you going? You can go if you like but you are not taking Ma inlaw with you...

Goodluck on your AA batteries at your wedding? (you get the joke)


Rahtid... wey dey bumbaclot ...

Chameleon said...

LMAO @ Atom ant.

bye and good luck with the wedding!

law_damsel said...

awwwwwwwww, dat was sweet luv u 2 babes...

lollllllll. dat babe surprises mehonestly ive gone 2 buy extra strong vitamins cos of AA, thou shall not fall while walking 2 d altar as part of d bridal train

hope we both find fulfilment from dis break....

dolly said...

lol......
AA: ‘mummy, I can carry you’

Mumsy sef sabi say AA fit carry Train, so mumsy no even argue:

Mum: ‘ AA, fine girl, you can carry me o.. come and take sweet..’


AA: ‘ mummy, you tink I cannot carry you? I can carry you o.. see me as I carry you’


Mum: AA, you can car---------put me down!! Omo k’omo!

pls come back soon

Bluntremi said...

I laughed hysterically at the story about AA. She sounds liek a handful. Flash into the future and imagine her with her man. Uprooting him from whatever he is doing!!

Blogging is a lot. Especially if you have other things going on. Take good care of yourself...blogging isnt likely to go anywhere anytime soon.

36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...

Awwww Bimby?? ma lo now (dont go now) anyway come back soon o!! good luck with everything

Sisinaija said...

awww... just starting to delve thru your blog... comeback soon K!

DiAmOnD hawk said...

oh my goodness... AA.. hmmmm.. definitely proceed with caution. you're too too funny... se u sha called again to transfer ur money... the pound is 1 to 2 dollars... so feel free to xfr some my way. Anyways all will be well with your wedding...

Beyond said...

heyya, bimbylad is leaving us too.I will definitly miss you. I wish you best of luck as you go away and i hope to see you soon.
Take care, and have a wonderful time off.
bye sweetie.
x^luv and kisses^x

ExcitedJade said...

u think i cannot cary you? i'll carry u now..p lease now bims.. dont go away for too long oh or else... nayway, i'll send mails to u, say hi to chinko eyes, and leave damsel behind, abeg

WE will miss u loads.
have fun and be good, send us wedding invites oh.

omohemi Benson said...

ok, sweetie.Sha dont be gone too long ok.
Lol at Atom ant,I loved that cartoon. btw wetin they feed your niece with,wey she fit carry agbalagba? aah. lol

exschoolnerd said...

‘ pastor of London, .. I can carry you.. you tink I cannot carry you?’…..

looooooooooooooooooooooooool...dis girl u are mad..mad mad mad mad...i dnt knw why ur leaving bt i guess u need to sort out some stuff..but u will be missed no doubt..wish u didnt have to go..

~Mimi~ said...

i have not commented because i havent been happy about this post. and ur taking Law D wit u too....
i was tempted to go off blog too for some reason but then realized that i could still at least do this once a week..
anyway hope u come back soon o (I MEAN LIK ASAP!!!!!!!!!!)and of course with Law D

Inuke Omotola Davis said...

come back soon oh.

Idemili said...

Hahahahaahah! I have been laughing in this blogworld sef! Hahahahaha! HILARIOUS post!

Delilah 3 said...

awwwrgh bimby...why now? please come back soon. i know you are more beautiful than those two babes so dont mind the jamo.weed don affect his sight.A.A must be cute, i guess.lol

Favoured Girl said...

LOL @ A.A, she sounds like a delightful girl. She might just help Chinese eyes to carry you over the threshold!
I'm guessing you are really busy with work and planning the wedding. Don't stay away from Blogville for too long o. We'll miss your funny gists. All the best!

Vickii said...

Hope your break does you some good ...

Can someone please explain to me what afro kinky hair is? I'm sure I've seen it, I just can't picture it. Bimbs, you're beautiful so I'm sure it looks great on you!

Your niece sounds so funny... 'I can carry you. You tink I cannot carry you?'

Have a great weekend!

ziariz said...

Oh girl,please don't goooooooo ohhh.. don't go away. Seriously though... don't leave, i was laughing my head off with this your last post, hilarious... i could just imagine you and the jamo guy and your pidgin is classic, it cracks me up... really nice... how long will you be gone for? not too long i hope?

phazzzed... said...

Try to have fun while ur away being busy... and i will pray that God will give all who attend ur weddin d strength to withstand AA.

Cheers!

Jaycee said...

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL....

Lolll @ the Jamaican hair who had the probability of using ur nubian hair to make WEED!!! LOLLL...

Lolll @ AA..."U tink I cannot carry u???" Lolll...thats HILARIOUS...she wants to carry everybody huh? Lolll..all the best as u prepare for the BIG DAY...God's blessings!

Orientatednaijababe said...

girl, i really miss your posts....u never got to finish the story about starbucks....pls finish the story and i wish u all the best

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

lmao@uprooting your hair to make weed.. babe you don kolo finish oh.. lol
lmao@atom ant... she can carry person ke? lol.. lmao... i am dying here of laughter oh bimby you're killing me with this your gist.. i already love your niece.. .lmao... good luck with the wedding preparations sha... can't wait to hear more.. come back soon gorgeous

NaijaBloke said...

So Bimbylads is taking a break too ..

I guess u need a break once in a while.Hope u r aiight sha and take care

Bella Naija said...

Biko now, Bimby dont go!!!!!!!
Anyways, I loled at this gist...
Ur lil bride is tooo funny ooo
I pray she doesnt 'carry' the pastor or even chinese eyez away.. AMEN

Come back soon!

BabaAlaye said...

I feel you girl. Do what you have to do but please come back soon.

I'm loving Atom Ant lol

temmy tayo said...

Mon dear friend. Biko no too try b4 u come back.

vindication through innocence said...

lol!!funny post- AA remind me of me (major tabo-ing) when i was a little one- my older bro used to watch all those worlds strongest man on bbc1 in the hols- thats how i injured myself enuf times- you will be miss deary-

Calabar Gal said...

I hope you're not leaving us. If you're just taking a brief break, thenits quite understandable.

Olawunmi said...

thats was sooooooooo funyy!!!

i can just picture her carrying the bride on the wedding day. lol.

yup, another one bites the dust. i feel you sha. go well.

Life through rose-tinted glasses said...

this has to be the funniest post i have ever read in my life...its my first time here...great blog plssss come back soon and good luck with wat ur doing babe.....xx

36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...

WHERE IS BIMBY!!!!!!!!!!!1

~Mimi~ said...

You!!!dont think u can hide. I saw you commenting on LKS's blog talking about talented family.... while you are commenting about the whole place, you cant even update your blog??????
its not funny,see how this babe just came and put everyone on cruise....
okay its all love.when are u coming bak now?

Anonymous said...

i've never laughed to tears while reading a blog. AA made me. kudos.

Anonymous said...

Bimby, I just read through this post and I literally almost died from laughing, pausing , before I choked. This post was very hilarious. Imagine me reading this in 2011.
You have a gift no doubt, I hope your book is out now.