3.9.07

On the 12th spoon of J-Rice....

Its 1.15pm, I am sat at my desk, I have taken the second spoon of one kain yeye jollof rice like this.. odikwa very kan- tastes like I’m eating lime and grass-I recall that I’d warmed some rice for my husband last night and when I woke up this morning, I realised I had forgotten to put the rest in the fridge, so I grab the remaining and carry it to work, hoping to save £4 on lunch….BIG MISTAKE!!- The rice has gone off, and is beginning to taste very bad…

My instincts tell me to stop eating this jollof rice immediately and chuck it into the bin.. And that’s exactly what I’m about to do.... suddenly I hear my colleague; Mr Oyinbo man ask me…

'hey bimby, that sure smells nice, whats it called?’ He moves closer to my bowl of jollof rice and meat, sniffing like a hungry dog

Me( laughing with pride) ‘ ah really? I cooked it you know..… its called J-rice.. Nigerian rice and tomatoes, blended with spices… hmm lovely’

I take another bite and my stomach grumbles silently in response.

You cooked that? It looks awesome’ he sniffs again..moving closer..

Were you about to throw it away? Cant you finish it?’ he asks, before adding ‘let me buy it from you.. I would rather taste African food than buy the rubbish that café sells’….. I’m sure I can see him salivating.

Damn! I am tempted beyond measure to sell it to him. … BUT,If I give this Mr Oyinbo man this kain rice, na manslaughter charge I dey play with be dat…

So I smile sweetly and say… ‘Im sorry luv,I missed breakfast, so Im extra staaarrrrving today, I promise to make you some tomorrow, less spicy than this so that you can enjoy it’ I reply him, wolfing the jollof rice with agony.

Why I do things like this to myself is a wonder to me, anyone else in my shoes would have said No,Im sorry, you cant EAT it;neither can I; this rice is bad, sorry, and thrown it into the bin. But not yours truly.…

I remember my meat pie episode, and I vow internally to throw this rice away once this man leaves my desk.

I have taken the 6th spoon. Mr Oyinbo never go. He still dey look me as I dey chop bad rice……

O boy,. Commot ya long-a-throat make I thruway this rice nooow- I almost say, but instead I smile through clenched teeth and swallow the rice.


My 10th spoon. Oyinbo man adjusts him self and continues to ask me questions about Jollof rice. How it’s made, how many minutes, if you use Oregano, Basil or Thyme to spice it… I am now even tempted to shout at him.. To ask him if his nose is malfunctioning, if he can’t smell the funny odour of the rice or if they used food to swear for him from his Oyinbo village. Rather, I tell him the recipe for Jollof rice, even offering to bring him the special Jumbo magi like cube that I use for seasoning.

My stomach gives me the familiar warning signals of a big massive fart coming up. I know that if I fart, two things are confirmed
1) -this man will DIE,
2)I just may be asked to take one week off work, recuperating., so I fart internally ( this is a specialty of mine, I can teach you how to..lol)

I am on my 12th spoon... And then the yeye man grabs his Jollof rice recipe list, thanks me and dashes off somewhere.

By its now 2.00 pm, I neeeed to use the bathroom, but I see the familiar frustrated looking gold wig of that loud gum chewing nigerian woman from the other IT department entering the bathroom... I dare not go in there when she is there- she knows me and usually nods while chewing loudly each time she sees me- I have a reputation to uphold in this office.. Ill wait till she comes out.

its 2.40pm- I am still waiting...

Ciao,
Bimbylads....

***********************************************************************************
To these beautiful fantabulous bloggers: pureee, temmytayo, and LNC- THANK YOU ( you know why :)), luv u guys
********************************************************************************
I will post my first book blog on Friday by Gods grace, in order to differentiate betweeen my book and my blog, Ill have a disclaimer at the beginning of the book, with the lable 'She writes' while Ill have the label 'she blogs' on my blog posts...

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

First! I've always wanted to say this on someone's blog

Uzo said...

LOL...Welcome back. You are married? And welll....welcome back..Hope the tummy ache doesnt hurt too much....

princesa said...

Kai! U had to go through that...for what now??

I hope you dont get food poisoning o!
lol@ oyibo man salivating for jollof rice.

Anonymous said...

U married? hnmmmmm, pele oo hope se u neva die by now.

Tash

Unbiased said...

Bimby lads haaaaaaa!!! Counting on you for a laugh and a half. Where is your sense of self preservation. You should just have said you were uncomfortable eating in front of him. Hope you are not going to fall sick now o!!!

darkelcee said...

Bimby, never knew you were married that's cool sha. please i need to learn how to do an internal fart( i'm serious). abeg no kill your self o,you should have excused yourself and go throw the food away or something. pray you don't get food poisoning,pele dear.looking forward to reading your book.how is OT and others?

Ugo Daniels said...

damn dat oyinbo man, talk about being at the wrong place at the wrong time :) Hopefully, you survived it. ciao!

Bluntremi said...

Awww, talk about not wanting to lose face!!!
Pele GAN!
How are things now??Update on the stomach diary - LOL!!

Smoothvibes said...

LMAO!. BIMBY! I'm tearing up from this entry ...

Ok so how do u fart internally? ;)

JJ said...

LMAO!!! Internal fart?? Ok o!

SapphireAster said...

lol..@ wolfing on the rice in agony. hmmm....did you just come back from your honeymoon or something?..cos i didnt think you were married o..anyways..good to have you back!

Beyond said...

hope ur stomach is not hurting from eating the rice.

Abeg, come teach me the internal fart thing...lol

How 've you been.

bhookey84 said...

lol bimby bimby no more lads o , ure too funny, u sef u should have thrown it away now lol welcome back, waiting on the book and i just have to say again u looked beautifullllllllllllllllllllll

aloted said...

lol...ah! pele o...hope u didnt have food poisoning sha!
So u married? cool!

Sparkle said...

..saw some of ur pictures on Facebook...I think

Happy Married Life

temmy tayo said...

You!

You want oyinbo man to kill you.

Got ur sms my love, thanks. I am holding up well.

temmy tayo said...

You!

You want oyinbo man to kill you.

Got ur sms my love, thanks. I am holding up well.

Idemili said...

I feel betrayed. I bought gele...I thought we were friends...Guess I was wrong.

*Borrowing Mimi's sashaying style and doing just that*

~Mimi~ said...

Idemili, what's this all about?? you cant borrow my sashaying style and not invite me to your blog oh. rectify the situation or you will gt a letter from my learned friend..

Bimby sorry jare...this internal fat thing..how dooes it work??lawl!

Anonymous said...

LolLol..eyah hope u recovered...but i felt u sha...would have done the same!

darkelcee said...

Hippeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! TGIF..... Bimby where is the book? u had berraa not change your mind.

The Last King Of Scotland said...

longer throat sis!

ps would love to read the book, asap

Temi said...

LOL how do you do the intenal fart.

catwalq said...

men, u have liver.
i would have just handed him the food and watched him squirm jare
what's popping jare
did not know u were married
and i was calling u by name
no vex
aunty

Aijay said...

Happy married life!!!
Hurry & give us some lil'bimby(s). I don apply for Godmother position.

law_damsel said...

Hiss hiss hiss......all d hisses u hissed on my blog back...he he he he ahn!habi habi habi!!!!how many times did i call u....i know u get it...miss u sha bcos i wud ve been d first person 2 hear dis gist but now Alpha blue or Call Africa is restricting us......c u soon

Orientatednaijababe said...

Welcome back and congrats...I hope food neva give u diarrhoea yet...I will pray for God to take d diarrhoea away from you b'cos u were trying to be nice to some Oyinbo guy that wud not have done the same for you.
Abeg, how do u fart internally? I need this lesson badly b4 they drive me commot from this country oh.

tokotaya said...

yeah, welcome back, dicovered your blog while u were away very entertaining and inspiring.you must have been such a mischief while younger. your mama surulere story reminds me of when i decided to send my lesson teacher to london by putting a pin in his chair so he cld fly there LOL.love your blog.check out mine www.tokotaya.blogspot.com

catwalq said...

Catwalq International Academie III is here!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Welcome back Bimby. I would have thought you are on your honeymoon by now. Lawl at your post, you are a real clown.

Nolé said...

Congratulations on getting married. Wishing you the best!